May 2011
1 post
“The glasses give your face some context.”
– Benzo
February 2011
3 posts
2 tags
“Surely anyone who has the time to construct all these hacks doesn’t have...”
– James,
On Lifehacker.
“Once written, said ideas will be revealed to be mediocre. Better out than in, as...”
– James
(On the subject of writing one story and/or script a week.)
“You ever seen Paris, Texas? I’m watching it, it’s pretty good.”
– Benzo Harris
November 2010
1 post
“You can do a lot with a packet of wine gums and a cockring.”
– James
May 2010
1 post
On the Maine Population
James: You know, something has struck me about your state that I never really properly considered before.
Fucking nobody lives in it.
Seriously though, get yourself a population. Impregnate like… 20 women when you get home.
Hon. Sir Zebra: What makes you think I don’t do that every time I go home? We have BEARS, sir. They EAT a lot of the children.
April 2010
2 posts
2 tags
ON APPLYING FOR JOBS.
Hon. Sir Zebra: I will also offer to show him a portfolio of high-res photos of my last 6 stools, to verify that I am in fact regular and have a healthy digestive system.
James: A picture of the stool, with todays newspaper.
Hon. Sir Zebra: In today's job market you need to do these things, James, to show people that you do not fuck around.
2 tags
Hon. Sir Zebra: Incidentally, what is it that you actually do?
James: I'm a bus or something.
March 2010
1 post
Hon. Sir Zebra: Gag yr cat.
James: You can't gag a cat. Look- http://img176.imageshack.us/img176/936/1001079po6.jpg
see?
January 2010
1 post
2 tags
Hon. Sir Zebra: MORE PICTURES OF KITTENS. PREFERABLY SHOT AT LOW F/STOP, SHALLOW DOF W/ LOTS OF BOKEH.
James: I CAN HAZ FUCK OFF? CAT IS HIDING BEHIND SOFA. THE LITTLE FUCKER HATES US. HE'S CRAPPING IN THE LITTER BOX THO. GOOD LITTLE FUCKER.
Hon. Sir Zebra: WHY NOT NAME SAID CAT MORDECAI OR HOWEVER STOP
Hon. Sir Zebra: ALSO IF SAID CAT STILL HATES YOU IN AM I CAN COME OVER AND QUOTE PUT THE FEAR OF GOD IN HIM END QUOTE STOP AWAITING YR IMPUT STOP
November 2009
4 posts
James: frunch
Hon. Sir Zebra: That is a kind of meal, actually alluded to in The Simpsons by Homer (I forget the episode and season, forgive me) as "the meal between brunch and lunch." That is an inaccurate description, though; "frunch" is actually a kind of petit-dejunier eaten by juvenile goat herders (known as Les Fruges) who live in a small and uninteresting region of northern France called Frümbgj. They speak a bizzare mix of French, Estonian, and German. Nobody likes them at all.
AT ALL.
James: Actually it's the sound of an american sedan colliding with any kind of soft matter.
Hon. Sir Zebra: Isn't that a "mrunch?" Oh, wait, that's a mid-range Japanese motorbike colliding with a sofa bought from a Salvation Army for specifically purposes of motor-vehicular recreation.
Hon Sir Zebra: Bum Scrub:
James: Sounds like an old Etonian punishment. But I'm gonna go ahead and say that it's the sweaty, matted pubic hair residing deep within the crevasse of a man's rear.
OR
It's the wisps of said hair that grow long and protrude beyond the crack.
me: It is, in fact, both of the first two.
The Etonian punishment usually involves a loofa, roughly one kilo of horseradish, and the posterior of the offending lad.
It's eventual discontinuation resulted when it was discovered that it was a more pleasurable than detractive procedure.
James: learned drillbit
Hon. Sir Zebra: A learned drillbit can drill through anything. But chooses not to, most of the time.
James: I would have said it splits it, counter clockwise. In a firm manner.
James: Are you a communist?
Hon. Sir Zebra: I am not. I am a columnist. Important distinction: a communist wants everything to belong to everybody. A columnist wants everything to be blamed on everybody.